FOUR YEARS AGO TODAY: THE LOWDOWN ON HILLARY’S ACCEPTANCE SPEECH

FOUR YEARS AGO TODAY, Hillary Clinton was nominated for President of the United States and I wrote this piece as she was speaking…

THE LOWDOWN ON HILLARY’S ACCEPTANCE SPEECH (written in real time by Woody Jenkins) — At the Democratic National Convention in Philadelphia… It’s Thursday night… Chelsea Clinton is introducing her mother. Chelsea is lovely and delightful… Honestly, I thought Chelsea’s remarks would be more touching. She didn’t move me.

Now we’re watching a video about Hillary. Obama is talking about Hillary’s laugh and how wonderful it is! OMG Her laugh is frightening! Fox interrupted the video to let the talking heads have it. Now I’m flipping over to CSPAN Cox 141 to avoid the interruptions and watch the rest of the video. Morgan Freeman is narrating. He’s always good. Hillary is telling how when she was a kid she stood up to bullies. OMG They are showing an old video of her speaking against abortion, saying how babies are pulled apart!!! I can’t believe it! This woman is totally pro-abortion! I’m stunned and missing a minute or two of the video, still trying to catch my breath from her graphic argument. Okay, I’ve recovered. I’ve learned how she was in the room watching the attack on Bin Laden. This was a hard decision? To kill Bin Laden? I’ve never understood that. This was such a HARD decision! Oh she was SO BRAVE! LOL

Hillary is walking onto stage! “How many ways will she light up the world?” Wow, there are American flags everywhere! Chelsea and Hillary fondly clasp hands and look at each other. Hillary places her hand over her heart! She loves everyone! American flags everywhere! What great American patriots fill this hall! “Thank you! Thank you!” She places her hand over her heart. She begins. She wants to continue the conversation Bill started with her in the library 40+ years ago! “My Explainer-in-Chief is still on the job!”

She continues… “What a remarkable week it’s been!” “We’ve heard from Bill and Obama! The one and only Joe Biden!” etc. etc. “Our children are watching!” She’s thanking Bernie! Yes, she loves Bernie and his supporters! Real change!

“The Founders met here and learned to compromise! They had courage! They proved we are stronger together! Today we are being pulled apart. We have to decide whether to work together.” “Out of many we are one!” Will we stay true to that motto? Nooooo, Donald Trump wants to divide us! He’s taken the Republican party from morning in America to midnight in America. Fear! “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself!” We are not afraid!

“We will not build a wall! We will build a place where everyone can get a good job! And the illegals can have a path to citizenship!” Come on, boys! ” No religion will be banned!” We need to ease Germany and France’s pain! “Too many people haven’t had a pay raise since the crash.” [i.e., no pay raises under Obama — finally, the truth!] We have the best military, justice and opportunity. The crowd says, “Hill-er-ry! Hill-er-ry!” She says, “We’re not weak! We have what it takes!” And don’t believe anyone who says he alone can fix it! … Remember, remember…

Oops, I’m sorry, I fell asleep for a minute.

“Did you know I wrote ‘It takes a Village!'” You should buy it! I need to diversify my speaking income! We’re stronger together! [Did you know that?] “A country where the economy works for everyone! Where children can dream, and where LOVE TRUMPS HATE!” Trump, get it? That’s the future we’re working for! “So I accept your nomination for President of the United States!”

Hey, it looks like she’s walking away from the podium! Hooray! That’s it! It’s over! Wait, no such luck — she’s back!

“Did you know i’ve been around a Loooooong Time?” I’m a true servant! “My family didn’t have their names on big buildings!”

Sorry, I fell asleep again.

“Change hearts and change laws!” “Everyone has the right to go to school!” [Was that at issue?]

Fell asleep again. Sorry.

“During this convention, you’ve seen some of my people. I was in the room when they brought Bin Laden to justice!” Did you know that? Yep, it was me there!

“TONIGHT a major party has nominated a woman for the highest office in our land!” Crowd goes crazy! “I’m standing here as my mother’s daughter and my daughter’s mother!” Say what? Wow, the sky’s the limit!

“Obama doesn’t get the credit he deserves for saving us from the worst crisis of our lifetime [even if they haven’t had a raise!].

I’m sorry… I fell asleep for just a minute.

She says the economy’s not working for people. Obama’s economy? “We get what you’re going through but we don’t show it like we should. We’re going to help keep jobs right here in the United States!” [Wait, is this Trump speaking?] “Plants have been closing! Plants aren’t working because politics isn’t working.” We need radical left-wing judges on the Supreme Court and we need to punish big corporations that aren’t patriotic enough! ‘Wall Street can’t be allowed to wreck Main Street!” In fact, that’s what I told them in those $700,000 speeches.

“Climate change is real!” And we’re not kicking out the illegals! They sure as hell can stay and become good Democrats forever! And double the minimum wage! And great health care! And stand up to China and support steel workers [and screw the coal miners! I HATE West Virginia!] Expand Social Security and keep on killing babies, join us! “Trump didn’t say this, did he?”

“We’re going to invest in good paying jobs, especially infrastructure” — like we did with Obama! Remember those shovel-ready jobs? Oh yeah! “And we’ll allow you students to ignore your debts — just like Trump ignores his! Give small business a boost!” Like we did with Cylindra! Yes! “Affordable child care!” Oh yes! “Deal me in!” and the crowd chants, “Deal me in! Deal me in!”

“Haha we’re gonna pay for it too” — with big tax increases on the backs of all the billionaires “because that’s where the money is! Follow the money!” And make those bad companies that export jobs pay! [Wait, that’s Trump’s line!] And the crowd chants, “Hill-er-ry! Hill-er-ry!”

“Trump is no businessman! He doesn’t pay his bills! He just stiffs them!” Yet, year after year, they keep doing business with this guy! And he doesn’t pay! They are stupid! “Hill-er-ry! Hill-er-ry!”

“We face threats around the world,” and yes I helped cause most all of them, but you can count on me to fix all of it and help our veterans, like I have been helping them! And how about the way I stopped Iran from getting a bomb! “We signed a global climate agreement” — oh yes! We’re going to knock out ISIS and just because we pulled out of Iraq and helped start ISIS, don’t worry because I’m going to knock that JV team off the playing field!

“The military loves me! They are a treasure!” Oh yes, they are for me! “The President should respect our military — like I do!” Just ask the widows of Benghazi! They’ll tell you where I stand! “Donald Trump isn’t tough — I’m tough!” Remember the night of Benghazi — that call at 3 a.m.? Yep, that’s me! “Trump is in the pocket of the NRA! I don’t want to repeal the 2nd Amendment! No, I just don’t want you to get shot!” “Just common sense gun control!” Get ready to turn yours in! “Let’s walk in each other’s shoes!” “Systemic racism is the problem!” BLM “Reform criminal justice system from end to end!” I’m tired of their investigating me! Rights, rights, rights for everyone! “And no more divisive speech” — Sack that 1st Amendment! “Trump says women are pigs!” You can’t say that! “Trump doesn’t get it!” “We’re great because we’re good!” “We offer a BOLD AGENDA! The CHOICE IS CLEAR, my friends!”

This is almost over, I hope. But where is the Spanish?

She’s back talking about the bullies who gave her a hard time in grade school! She stood up to the bullies! What a gal!

Come on with the Spanish! Nope! No Spanish! What is she thinking? At least say Vamoose!

“Our Founders’ selfless passion… we begin a new Chapter tonight! Let’s be stronger TOGETHER!”

She is a true visionary! And possibly our first Woman President!

P.S. If you’re wondering how I stayed awake as much as I did, I promised myself Blue Bell after it was over!
— Woody Jenkins